Everyone has noticed. Other than writing, and occasional appearances on Facebook, and posting for my website, In the past couple of years, I have pulled something of a disappearing act socially, publicly, and in some ways emotionally.
Taking occasional walks and talks with friends, and sometimes my brother, it is giving me time to really respect how different I am from most of the people around me, while highlighting for me, many similarities I never recognized until now. I’ve taken a very close look and listen to my own heart, like a forensic investigator at the scene of my own crime, I came to an inescapable conclusion, and one that calls for some kind of action.
I have a warring heart, an and a most un-peaceful mind
My apparatus, my toolbox, my war program, all my life, was adapted from men and women who influenced me in my youth, with their ability to navigate, fight, and succeed in difficult conditions. These are the warrior souls who trained me. it has served me well for the most part, and now I feel like the time is coming from you put it behind me, as I walk these next few miles to my death.
The idea of peace, something always fleeting for me, has become one of the most important things in my life in the past five years. Many times in my life, when I invested into the idea of what I thought was peace, and along with it comfort, and togetherness, and softness, and warmth, and many of the things that people associate with peace and love and closeness,, the outcomes left me feeling sad, betrayed, and with the feeling of mutual misunderstanding with many of the people I endeavored to have peaceful relationships with. I felt barely qualified to even keep close friendships most of the time, and tried to get what I needed socially, and emotionally, in terms of friendship, from the people that I work with. With dubious results. No peace. I wonder if it is in these times, that make closeness, and especially romantic attachment, so dangerous, illnesses, and temporal. I have found no peace there, but I had some great nights.
Add to that the fact that I love my family dearly, and still feel misunderstood, and disconnected from them most of the time, and I can only extrapolate that is time for me to step back from all of this even further.
Apparently, music and performance were not the answer either.
A reentry into the musical world, which was arguably fairly successful, left me with the feeling of never wanting to have anything to do with the music industry again directly, especially performing, and left me with a profoundly bitter taste in my mouth about about just about everybody involved in it. It was fun, but at the end of the day, it proved to be a profound waste of my time and energy, often including individuals more than willing to sabotage their own careers, something which I decided to no longer be an accomplice to. This is still a dynamic I don’t understand, but I know when to back away from it. On the other hand, I made a couple of what I believe to be lifelong friendships, and became close with a couple families, something I think I needed a lot. I held babies, and attended barbecues. These were some rare visits into the lives of regular people, and I enjoyed them quite a bit.
a warning heart, is like a habit, a groove in a record, a re-occurring behavior, a distant, stoic detachment, and emotional isolation drawn from some of the examples of my youth, including old samurai movies, Chinese war strategy books, archetypal characters in Afro-Cuban religion I have loved since my childhood, and several of the older men and women,I grew up around, mostly all dead now by the same sword they wielded so gracefully during their lives. I carry some of my mother’s hardcore, gangster death-oriented humor, and chuckled quietly under my breath, wondering how I will go.
Death. It is something I think about a lot. I should think about a lot. It is surrounded me in a way I cannot even explain to the average civilian. I have been immersed in it, practically since my birth. I was raised in it, steeped in it, and trained in it. I’m a shepherd for the dead. A funeral All-Star. Keeper of memories, and the one to close the ceremony of the burial. I have become very, very at home with death.
My life past has brought me into direct contact with conflict, anger, hatred, and violence, nearly all my life. When these situations arose, I usually placated myself, telling myself, that life is war, and that if I accept that life is war, I have no need to be paranoid or hurt, when conflict, or negative energy come into contact with me. That is the warrior’s ethos. We are here to act in a capacity. Whatever my capacity, I have had this warring heart, and this discomfort with humans and social situations in general since I remember being self-aware, at around age 4. I felt like I was shot out of a cannon, already prepped for battles that hadn’t even occurred yet.
This is wonderful warrior talk, and works great when there’s a catastrophe, or disaster, but doesn’t play too well you have a kind of nightmares that I do, the constant state of suspicious awareness and aroused senses, the feeling like you can’t go to the bathroom unarmed, and a 24/seven hyper vigilant guardianship of myself and people around me.
it’s been my source of self-esteem for a long time, and I feel that coming to an end.
So. Two years of practically no public engagement, except for a couple of gigs. I backed away from the record company, I backed away from the band, I stopped trying to do the long-term dating thing, (again) got multiple years sober again, kept my nose clean, stayed out of other people’s business, try to be as helpful as I could, and still, I go to bed with, and wake up with, heart at war with myself and the world around me.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love peaceful times with other people. I do. And I have greatly appreciated them. I have even felt peaceful warm love for another person, while I was at war with myself. Perhaps I am just a creature of contradictions.
But I can tell, that my current engagement with the world, is coming to a close. I don’t want this old connection anymore. I can renew the connections with the people I care about, but I won’t lie, over the years a growing desire to retreat from society, people, friendships, even my family, has been a constant reminder, that I am in possession of an un-peaceful mind as well. Learning to be alone, deliberately alone, has been something that I think has saved me a great deal of pain, and also given me a great deal of peace, and has taught me, that I cannot find actual peace, nor contentment in another person, arrangement, lifestyle, or career path.
This this retreat from people, society, and the public, has definitely lessened my tension, and removed a great deal of conflict from my life, but has not brought me a peaceful mind, and has not brought me relief from the constant vigilance of my warring heart.
Strangely enough, this does not mean I’m sad either. In fact I’m kind of happy. There’s just that one part of my heart that is dry, and in need of much rain, and it might be time for me to take a very long trip, to a very faraway bunch of places, for a very long time.
I prayed no one takes it too personally, when I vanish completely, and go on a long trip never to return. I think I’ve been here too long, and there’s so many places in the world I’ve yet to see.